Underneath
What's going on underneath #
Three things that tend to sit under the words.
It can also make the first hurt feel bigger.
“Enough, we don't keep going on about things.”
Underneath, a belief can settle: “I'm too sensitive,” or “I shouldn't get angry about things.”
Reactions
What people often do #
- Say “fine” and change the subject
- Push harder to make them understand
- Keep it to yourself and replay it alone
- Feel embarrassed for still caring about it
- Wait until it can be mentioned without any feeling
The deck
The story in 6 cards #
Six short cards, from the moment to letting go.
'Get over it already'
A week after the argument with your sister, it still sits heavy in you. You mention it to your brother, hoping he'll understand. He sighs and says, “Get over it already.” You nod and change the subject. But the hurt doesn't move. Now it has company: the feeling of taking too long, and that something must be wrong with you for still minding.
Move on fast, or be too much
The words land on a rule that may already be there: 'I should get over things fast, or I'm being too much.' It sounds strong and sensible. But look at what it does: it puts a deadline on your own feelings. Your peace now depends on hurting only as long as other people find comfortable, which is often not very long at all.
Why moving on fast was praised
We hold it because moving on quickly was often praised. Maybe at home, people who stayed upset were called dramatic or difficult. Maybe you learned that hiding a hurt kept the peace for everyone. Either way, the rule isn't silly. It comes from wanting to be easy to be around and not to cause trouble. That deserves kindness, not blame.
The hurt going underground
Every 'get over it' makes the hurt go underground. You stop talking about it, but it keeps coming back at night. You feel slow and silly for still caring. You hold everything in until it leaks out as tiredness or snapping. Slowly your own feelings start to feel like a nuisance, and you lose the chance to let them settle in their own time.
Is rushing it worth it?
Ask yourself honestly: has rushing yourself ever made a hurt fade faster? Or has it mostly made it stay longer, hidden away? Hurts take the time they take, and his words were his to choose. Either way, how long a feeling lasts isn't the measure of whether your feelings are too much. Holding this rule so tightly costs you more than it gives you.
Hurts take the time they take
Letting go doesn't mean you have to stay stuck in the hurt. It means it can take the time it needs, without a deadline from anyone. You can notice it, be gentle with it, and let it soften on its own. That's where some peace comes back: the hurt gets room to settle, and the 'get over it' can stay with the person who said it.
If someone puts you down, threatens, hurts or frightens you for having feelings, that is something else, and worth taking seriously; staying quiet can be the safe choice.
The flip
The old rule, and a new one to try #
The old ruleI should get over things fast, or I'm being too much.
A new rule to tryHurts take the time they take.
Three small days
Try it for 3 days #
- Day 1
Say to yourself, 'it still hurts, and that's okay'
- Day 2
Do one gentle thing for yourself this evening
- Day 3
Think of one person who lets you take your time
Want to talk it through?
“What was still on your mind when they said it?”
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Everything this deck knows
Go deeper #
What it sounds like, where it comes from, what it costs, and other ways to see it. Every question opens a chat on it.
How it lands
What was said
Three words while it's still fresh #
A sibling when last week's argument comes up again, a friend when a cancelled trip still stings, a parent when a rude remark from a relative gets mentioned one more time. “Get over it already,” or “why are you still on about that?”, and the talk moves on.
The words set a deadline on a feeling that didn't come with one. They don't talk about the hurt or what caused it; they talk about how long it has been allowed to last, and the answer they give is: long enough.
If this is about a loss, an illness or someone who hurt you badly, go slowly; this deck is only about smaller hurts and arguments.
When did you last hear it, and what was still on your mind?Talk about this ›
The first few seconds
Why it lands like a door closing #
Some people feel a tightness in the throat, a flash of anger, then a quick “fine” that isn't fine. Some go quiet and change the subject; others push harder to be understood. Any of these can happen, and none of them needs explaining.
Being cut off while something still needs saying can register quickly in the body, before any thinking. For some people, the rest of what needed saying comes later, replayed at night.
What did your body do when those words came?Talk about this ›
Did it close up, heat up, or brace?Talk about this ›
What might that first reaction say about how much was still left to say?Talk about this ›
Why it lands
It grades the timing, not the hurt #
“That argument was hard” is about an argument. “Get over it” skips the argument and grades the pace, as if there were a right speed for a hurt to fade and it had been missed. The mind tends to hear the grade, not the moment.
It can also make the first hurt feel bigger. A sting that was slowly settling can now come with a second one: the sense that even talking about it is too much.
Does being brushed off make a hurt shorter or longer, for you?Talk about this ›
If there was one thing about it you hadn't been able to say yet, what would it have been?Talk about this ›
And who would you have wanted to hear it, all the way through?Talk about this ›
The voice inside
When the deadline starts coming from inside #
Hear it often enough and it can move in. “Why am I still on about this?” “Everyone else has moved on.” “Stop being so dramatic.” It can switch on the moment an old hurt comes back, before anyone else has said a thing.
The person who said it may have forgotten the conversation, but now the clock runs inside. Hurts can get set aside unfinished, and arguments swallowed. Because it sounds like your own voice, it can feel like maturity rather than someone else's deadline.
Whose voice does it use when it tells you to be over it by now?Talk about this ›
Is it yours, or one you picked up in a particular house, a long time ago?Talk about this ›
Where it comes from
Where it can come from
For some people, the clock started early #
“Stop crying, it's done now.” “Enough, we don't keep going on about things.” Some people grew up in homes where upset was expected to pass quickly, and where bringing something up a second time counted as making a fuss.
In some families, moving on fast kept the peace in a busy house, and the reasons for that vary. What a child can quietly conclude is that hurt has a short time limit, and that anything still felt after the limit is best kept private.
When did you first learn to act finished with something before you really were?Talk about this ›
Who was usually around, and what happened when you mentioned it again?Talk about this ›
The belief under it
A quiet rule that can form underneath #
Underneath, a belief can settle: “I'm too sensitive,” or “I shouldn't get angry about things.” Some people carry a softer version: “If it still bothers me, I should keep it quiet.”
Beliefs like this rarely feel like beliefs. They feel like being easy to live with, the way tidying a room before guests feels like plain good manners. That is exactly why they are worth taking out and looking at in daylight.
Some people trace a rule like this back to early years; some don't. Either way, it can be looked at. Which rooms does it still fit, and which not?
What it costs
What it costs
What swallowing it can cost #
It can mean hurts that never get talked about, arguments left half-finished, and small things left to gather quietly. Some people stop mentioning what upsets them long before it has stopped upsetting them.
There is a quieter price too. When feelings have a deadline, the people around may only hear about things after they are over, so they rarely get the chance to help or understand. Over a year, that can add up to a lot of evenings spent replaying things.
Not out of weakness. Holding things in takes effort.
What has it cost in the last year: a hurt never mentioned, an argument never settled, an evening spent going over it alone?Talk about this ›
If it stays as it is
Five more years of being over it on time #
Picture one ordinary Tuesday on a day when “I should be over it by now” is loud. What is in it: the conversations, the messages, the things left unmentioned? It's only a picture to look at, nothing to fix.
Maybe it holds a “fine” said at breakfast, an old argument going round on the commute, a friend's message answered about everything except the thing itself, an evening where it comes back once or twice. Some of it may be familiar, some not.
Nothing here needs an answer yet, and the picture isn't a forecast. It's only there to look at. What, if anything, stands out to you?
Another way to see it
Another way to see it
Over it by when, exactly? #
There's no fixed timetable for a hurt to fade. A comment from a stranger may be gone by dinner; a sharp word from someone close may stay longer. The same event can settle at different speeds for different people.
Talking about something again is also not the same as being stuck in it. Some people find it is; some don't.
Could saying it one more time, to someone who listens, be part of how it settles for you?Talk about this ›
Another way in: if a friend was still upset about the same thing after the same amount of time, would it seem too long to you, or simply how long it takes?Talk about this ›
Noticing it sooner
What people notice when they look closer #
Others notice the people who give things time: a friend who says “tell me again”, a colleague who checks in a week later, a cousin who remembers what happened. Those voices were there all along; they were simply quieter.
When some people look back slowly, they ask what is still on their mind: a harsh word, a broken promise, an unfair moment, something else?Talk about this ›
Set beside the deadline in the words, what does that look show you?Talk about this ›
Which of those voices has gone quiet in your head lately, and what would it say about the thing you were still carrying?Talk about this ›
Making peace with it
No need to meet anyone's deadline #
Making peace doesn't mean agreeing that it was time to be over it, or pretending the words didn't sting. It means that one comment gets less say over how long a hurt is allowed to take, and whether it can still be talked about.
Some people find it lighter once they stop trying to look finished for someone else's sake. Pretending to be done is tiring, and it can keep a hurt out of sight without it being settled.
Where someone really does react badly to it coming up again, keeping it quiet there can be the safe choice.
What would it be like to let the words stay theirs, and let the hurt take the time it takes?Talk about this ›
A truer sentence
A truer sentence to keep nearby #
If “I should be over it by now” has been running for years, there's no need to fight it head on. Some people keep a truer sentence ready instead: “It still bothers me, and it can take the time it takes.”
It doesn't have to feel true. It is only a line some people try on, and some find that, said quietly and often, it takes up a little of the space the old line used to fill, especially when an old hurt comes back.
What would a truer sentence be in your own words, one that is honest about how long this is taking without scolding you for the pace?Talk about this ›
What to let be
Some of it can simply be put down #
Not every hurt has to be settled tonight, and not every “get over it” needs an answer. Some of it can be noticed, felt for a moment, and put down for the evening, like a heavy bag set on the floor, to be picked up another day if it's still needed.
That isn't giving up, and it isn't getting over it on command. It's choosing where tonight's energy goes, and some people say it leaves more room for rest, and for people who don't set a clock on them.
Putting it down for the evening doesn't mean it was fine, or that it's settled. It only means it doesn't have to travel into everything else today.
If it loosened
And if the rule loosened, even a notch #
Imagine, only as a picture, the rule a notch quieter. Something that still bothers you can simply take the time it takes. What is the first thing that feels different, even slightly?
Small things can be enough, such as naming to yourself what part is still unsaid, telling a friend who says “tell me again”, or noticing a “fine” before it comes out. What would your first small thing be?
Nothing here needs to be said to anyone. Whatever comes up is yours, and worth noticing, however small it seems. If you'd like to look at it properly, a chat is one tap away.
Small things to try
Something to try
A few small things people try #
- Name it in your head: “there's the deadline voice again”
- Ask yourself quietly: what part of it is still unsaid?
- Notice which part of the moment is louder: the words, or the tone
- Think of one person who lets things take the time they take
- Notice one small thing you wanted today, however small
Small, private and all optional. Try whichever feels doable.
Pick a question
Talk it through #
Tap one. A chat with Dr. Thoughts opens on that question: free, private, no sign-up to start.