Underneath
What's going on underneath #
Three things that tend to sit under the words.
Managers see only part of the picture, and what a team member does well can be quiet or invisible from a desk across the floor.
For some people it began with a teacher who noticed a particular knack, a way with numbers or words or people, and said so aloud.
Underneath, a rule can sit: “If I'm good at something, my boss will see it,” or “A good manager matches people to tasks.”
Reactions
What people often do #
- Drop hints about the skill in meetings, then feel awkward
- Work extra hard on the tasks that do come, hoping they show it
- Keep the real strength for projects outside work
- Compare task lists with colleagues when the door is closed
- Stay quiet and keep the disappointment company
The deck
The story in 6 cards #
Six short cards, from the moment to letting go.
The budget spreadsheet, again
Your manager in Singapore gives you the budget spreadsheet again. You can do numbers, but your real gift is people: you calm angry clients, you bring new staff up to speed, you hold the team together. Nobody seems to notice. In your one-to-one they praise your 'attention to detail'. You thank them, but walking out you feel unseen, like being complimented on someone else's coat.
They should see your real strengths
Underneath sits a rule: 'My boss should know what I'm actually good at.' It sounds fair. They see you every day, after all. But look at what it does: it makes your strengths wait for someone else to spot them. Whether your best skills feel real now depends on one person's attention, and they may only see the part of your work that crosses their desk.
Why being seen for strengths matters
We hold it because being seen for our real strengths feels like being known. Maybe you were praised for the wrong things growing up, good marks when you wanted someone to notice your kindness. Maybe nobody noticed much at all. Either way, wanting to be truly seen isn't vanity. It comes from wanting to be known. That deserves kindness, not blame.
The energy lost on the wrong tasks
Every task that misses your strengths takes a little energy out of you. You start doubting whether your best skills really count. You do the spreadsheet with half your heart. You feel a little invisible in meetings. Slowly you start believing the version of you on the appraisal form, and the parts of you that make the team work begin to feel like they don't matter.
Is waiting to be seen worth it?
Ask yourself honestly: has waiting for them to notice ever made your strengths stronger? Or has it mostly made you feel unseen? Your manager may only see results, not the quiet work that makes them happen. Either way, their view isn't the measure of what you're good at. Holding this rule so tightly costs you more than it gives you.
You know what you're good at
Letting go doesn't mean you stop wanting to be seen. It means your strengths no longer need a witness to be real. You know what you bring. You can use it, enjoy it and value it, whether it's on the appraisal or not. That's where some peace comes back: you can feel like yourself at work, even in a role that only sees part of you.
Threats, shouting, harassment, humiliation, being singled out for who you are, pay or papers held back, or being frightened at work, are something else, and worth taking seriously; staying careful can be the safe choice.
The flip
The old rule, and a new one to try #
The old ruleMy boss should know what I'm actually good at.
A new rule to tryI know what I'm good at, seen or not.
Three small days
Try it for 3 days #
- Day 1
Think of one thing you did well today that nobody saw
- Day 2
Do one task this week in the way only you would do it
- Day 3
Say out loud, to yourself, one thing you do well
Want to talk it through?
“When did somebody tell you what you were good at, and how did it land?”
Free and private. No sign-up to start. The chat opens with this question.
Everything this deck knows
Go deeper #
What it sounds like, where it comes from, what it costs, and other ways to see it. Every question opens a chat on it.
How it lands
What was said
The task that went to someone else #
A new piece of work is announced in the team meeting and a colleague's name is next to it. It is the kind of task you would have enjoyed, and done well. Quietly, the thought lands: “My boss should know what I'm actually good at.”
For some people this is less about the single task and more about a wish to be pictured accurately. A skill that nobody mentions can start to feel as if it had never been learned.
What is one thing you do well that comes easily, and when did it last get used in your job?Talk about this ›
The first few seconds
The small drop at the name on the list #
Some people notice a quick sinking when a name that is not theirs appears next to an interesting task. Others feel a flush, then a determined smile, then a long look at the screen.
The body can respond to being passed over in the space of a breath: a straighter back, a slowed pen, a throat that wants to say something. The thinking usually arrives later, on the commute.
The last time a task you wanted went elsewhere, what did you notice first, before you told yourself what it meant?Talk about this ›
Why it lands
Wanting to be used well #
Hoping that a manager sees your strengths makes sense. Work usually feels best when the thing we do easily is also the thing asked of us, and a skill left unused can feel like a room in the house with the door closed.
Managers see only part of the picture, and what a team member does well can be quiet or invisible from a desk across the floor. Some people find their best skill is the one they never mention because it feels ordinary.
Which of your strengths do you think is least visible at work, and what would make it easier to see?Talk about this ›
The voice inside
The voice that lists the skills #
“I'd have been perfect for that.” “They've seen what I did on the last project.” “Why would they not think of me?” The voice tends to speak when a new assignment goes round the room.
Some people notice the voice is partly proud and partly hurt. It is keeping a quiet inventory of strengths, and checking it against what the day actually asks for.
When the voice lists your skills, which one does it return to most, and where would it like to be used?Talk about this ›
Where it comes from
Where it can come from
Where the wish to be seen accurately began #
For some people it began with a teacher who noticed a particular knack, a way with numbers or words or people, and said so aloud. Being seen precisely, once, can set a standard for being seen at all.
For others it came from watching a parent who was good at something at work that nobody ever mentioned, and wishing it had been named. Around some kitchen tables, skill was shown by doing, not by saying.
Who first noticed something you were good at, and how did you know they had noticed it, even without a word?Talk about this ›
The belief under it
The rule about being noticed #
Underneath, a rule can sit: “If I'm good at something, my boss will see it,” or “A good manager matches people to tasks.” The first sentence sounds like common sense; the rule underneath turns every missed task into a message.
Rules like this come from trusting that good work gets recognised, which is worth respecting. It can be looked at beside a real manager with a real calendar and a long list of things to hold in mind.
It might trace back to earlier years, or it might have grown over time.
In which parts of your job does “strengths get seen” hold, and in which does it need a voice behind it?Talk about this ›
What it costs
What it costs
What an unused strength can cost #
It can mean a good piece of work done in a flat mood, a growing distance from tasks that are fine but not yours, and an evening spent re-sorting who is good at what.
Over a year, some people notice they begin to doubt the skill itself. A strength that is never asked for can start to feel imaginary, even when it was once the thing they were proudest of.
Looking back across the last year, when did you use your best skill for something, anywhere, and how did that feel?Talk about this ›
If it stays as it is
Years of watching the list #
Look at one ordinary Monday on which “my boss should know what I'm good at” is loud. What is in it: the team meeting, the list on the screen, a colleague's name, a task you would have liked? A scene to look at, nothing to mend.
Perhaps the assignment is read out, your own work slides on to the next item, a colleague turns and smiles, and the pen goes back into the pocket.
Nothing is being asked, and the picture can be put aside whenever you like. What, if anything, do you notice about it?
What else is in that morning?Talk about this ›
Another way to see it
Another way to see it
Strengths are easier to name than to see #
A skill that comes easily can be invisible even to its owner, and often more so to a manager. Some strengths show best in a task nobody thinks to tie to them, and some only show up under pressure.
Bosses also work with partial information, and a team's needs shift week by week. A task going elsewhere can say more about the week than about anybody's ability.
If your strength had to be described in one short sentence, in your own words, what would it say?Talk about this ›
What is already there
Where the strength is already used #
Beside the tasks that went elsewhere, there may be moments when the strength did get used: a colleague who asked for your help with a tricky bit, a piece of work that came out just as you hoped, a small thing done well.
Seeing these does not cancel the wish to be seen more clearly. The two sit together without competing, and the noticing needs nothing from anybody.
Where, at work or outside it, has a strength of yours been used well recently, and what was it like?Talk about this ›
Making peace
Using the strength in the places it fits #
Making peace with this hope can mean a task going elsewhere stops reading as a verdict on what you can do. What is fair can stay: wanting your best skill to find work, and to be pictured accurately. What can ease is the grip, so a list of names is just that week's list.
If you are being threatened, harassed or humiliated at work, by your boss or anyone else, or singled out for who you are (gender, caste, religion, colour, age, a disability or where you come from), that is something else, and worth taking seriously.
So is work that is unpaid, pay or papers held back, unsafe work, or feeling frightened. Going along or staying careful can be the safe choice.
Basic respect and safety at work are never “expecting too much”, for you and for them.
Picture a day where your strength is simply in use, even in a small way: what are you doing, and who benefits?Talk about this ›
A truer sentence
A truer line for the list of names #
Beside “My boss should know what I'm actually good at”, some people keep a line like this ready: “I know my strengths, and they count whether or not they're named today.” It does not have to outdo the old line, only sit beside it.
A sentence like that can feel stiff at first and more natural with use. Others find a plainer line of their own, and that is fine too.
What would a truer sentence be in your own words, honest about wanting your strength used without needing it announced?Talk about this ›
What to let be
The task that went elsewhere can stay there #
Not every assignment needs a reading by evening. It can be noticed, felt for a moment, and left in the meeting room, like a pen on a table.
The wish to be seen can stay private for as long as you like. If you are singled out for who you are, made to work unpaid, or frightened by anyone at work, that is something else, and worth taking seriously.
Leaving it there does not mean it was fine, or that it is settled. It only means tonight does not need a conclusion.
If it loosened
And if the list weighed less #
Try seeing, only as a picture, the expectation one notch lighter. The wish to be seen is still there, but a name on a list can stay one week's list, among many things that week. What is the first thing that feels different?
Perhaps you watch the list go round, then turn to the work in front of you and do it your best, with a quiet pleasure in the doing.
Nothing here needs to be said to anybody. Whatever comes up is yours. Next: what making peace with this hope can mean, and what is already there.
What would the first ordinary pleasure be?Talk about this ›
Small things to try
Something to try
A few small things to try, if they appeal #
- Notice the wish to be seen as it arrives, and let it be there
- Write one honest sentence about your strength, in your head
- Notice the next time a task fits what you do well
- Think of a skill of yours that is used outside work
- Notice which task today felt easy and satisfying
Small, private and optional. Take whichever feels doable.
Pick a question
Talk it through #
Tap one. A chat with Dr. Thoughts opens on that question: free, private, no sign-up to start.
- When did somebody tell you what you were good at, and how did it land?
- What do you do so easily that you forget it is a skill?
- Which piece of work are you proudest of, and what made it yours?
- If the wish to be seen for your strengths eased a little, what might you notice first?
- Where is your best skill already in use, which you would like to notice more?