Underneath
What's going on underneath #
Three things that tend to sit under the words.
When it is unclear whether a comment was praise, a hint or a joke, the mind keeps turning it over, and the reader is left carrying a puzzle that was never meant to be one.
For some people it began with a teacher or a first manager who said clearly what was good and what was not, kindly and without wrapping.
Underneath, a rule can sit: “If something's the matter, they'll say so,” or “Honest people say it plainly.”
Reactions
What people often do #
- Read the same sentence three times
- Draft a careful reply and delete half of it
- Ask a trusted colleague what they make of the message
- Look back through older messages for a pattern
- Answer only what is written and nothing more
The deck
The story in 6 cards #
Six short cards, from the moment to letting go.
'Really interesting' to your face
In the team meeting in Manchester, your colleague says your proposal is 'really interesting'. Later you hear she told the manager it 'wasn't quite there'. Nobody said anything to you directly. You smile at her by the printer the next day, but inside you feel wrong-footed, unsure what anyone here really thinks, and wondering what else is being said that you never hear.
Say it to my face
Underneath sits a rule: 'My colleagues should say things to my face.' It sounds like simple honesty. But look at what it does: it makes every polite word suspicious. Your sense of where you stand now depends on decoding other people, and every 'interesting' or 'looks good' becomes something to turn over and examine, long after the meeting has ended.
Why straight talk feels safe
We hold it because straight talk feels safe. Maybe you grew up around people who said exactly what they meant, and anything else feels like a trick. Maybe you were caught out once by what was said behind your back. Either way, wanting honesty isn't naive. It comes from wanting to know where you stand. That deserves kindness, not blame.
Decoding every word they say
Every indirect comment costs you some ease. You start decoding everything. You hold back in meetings, wondering what people will say afterwards. You replay conversations on the way home, looking for hidden meanings. Your workplace starts to feel like a place with two layers, the spoken and the unspoken, and you spend your energy trying to read the second one.
Is decoding them worth it?
Ask yourself honestly: has decoding everyone ever made you feel more settled? Or has it mostly made you tired and wary? People may soften things to avoid awkwardness, or say different things in different rooms; why they do it is something only they know. Either way, their way of talking isn't the measure of your work or your worth. Holding this rule so tightly costs you more than it gives you.
Judging your work with your own eyes
Letting go doesn't mean you stop valuing honesty. It means your sense of your own work no longer depends on decoding everyone else. You can take what is said at face value, judge your work by your own eyes, and let the rest be theirs. That's where some peace comes back: you get your energy back for the work, not the guessing.
Threats, shouting, harassment, humiliation, being singled out for who you are, pay or papers held back, or being frightened at work, are something else, and worth taking seriously; staying careful can be the safe choice.
The flip
The old rule, and a new one to try #
The old ruleMy colleagues should say things to my face.
A new rule to tryI can judge my work by my own eyes.
Three small days
Try it for 3 days #
- Day 1
Take one comment today at face value; let the rest go
- Day 2
Believe one nice comment today, just as it was said
- Day 3
Name one thing about your work you know is good
Want to talk it through?
“Which message at work said exactly what it meant, and how did it feel?”
Free and private. No sign-up to start. The chat opens with this question.
Everything this deck knows
Go deeper #
What it sounds like, where it comes from, what it costs, and other ways to see it. Every question opens a chat on it.
How it lands
What was said
A polite email read three times #
The message is courteous, with a thank-you at the top and a sign-off that is almost warm, and still something in the middle makes the eyes go back to the second paragraph. By the third reading the thought has formed: “My colleagues should be straightforward with me.”
For some people the wish is for plainness: to know where things stand, what was meant and what was asked, without a second layer to decode. It can sound like a simple request, and it can shape a whole inbox.
When did you last get a message at work that said exactly what it meant, and how did it feel to read it?Talk about this ›
The first few seconds
The pause before the reply #
Some people notice a small stop in the chest on reaching a sentence that could mean two things. Others feel a slight sideways tilt of the head, as if the words would resolve with another angle.
The body can start decoding before the mind has chosen to: eyes tracking back along the line, a thumb hovering over reply, a breath held while a draft is composed. The long reasoning tends to arrive later, often after a walk.
The last time a message left you unsure, where did you feel it first, before you decided how to answer?Talk about this ›
Why it lands
Plain words lighten the load #
It is natural to hope for straight talk. Clear words let a person put their attention on the work, whereas a message with more than one possible meaning asks for extra effort before anything can begin.
Ambiguity also leaves room for worry. When it is unclear whether a comment was praise, a hint or a joke, the mind keeps turning it over, and the reader is left carrying a puzzle that was never meant to be one.
In your own working life, who talks plainly with you, and what is it about the way they do it?Talk about this ›
The voice inside
The voice that reads between the lines #
“What did that actually mean?” “Why not just say it?” “Is that a compliment?” The voice tends to speak over a cooling cup of tea, with the message still open and the cursor in the reply box.
Some people notice the voice is partly about the words and partly about wanting to feel safe with the people around. It would like to know, once, where it stands.
When the voice reads between the lines, which question does it keep returning to, and what is it hoping to find?Talk about this ›
Where it comes from
Where it can come from
Where the wish for plain speech began #
For some people it began with a teacher or a first manager who said clearly what was good and what was not, kindly and without wrapping. One person like that can set the standard for every later conversation.
For others it comes from home: a household where things were said directly, or one where things went unspoken, and plain words came to feel like a relief. In some homes, saying what you mean was simply how people showed respect.
Who first spoke plainly and kindly with you, and what do you remember about how they did it?Talk about this ›
The belief under it
The rule about saying what you mean #
Underneath, a rule can sit: “If something's the matter, they'll say so,” or “Honest people say it plainly.” The first sentence is the one people hear; the rule beneath decides how each friendly word gets read.
Rules like this come from valuing honesty, which is worth honouring. They can be looked at beside this workplace, where tone, politeness and indirectness mean different things from one team to the next.
It might trace back to earlier years, or grow in a job.
Where does the rule about plain speech still fit, and where does it ask everyone to speak in the same register?Talk about this ›
What it costs
What it costs
What decoding can cost across a year #
It can mean a quarter of an hour on each reply, an evening replaying a comment from the afternoon, and a slow wariness towards messages that arrive with warm words at the top.
Over months the decoding can spread. Ordinary kind remarks begin to feel like they might have a second layer, and the pleasure of a friendly workplace gets crowded by the effort of checking.
Over the last few months, which exchange at work felt simple and clear, and what was different about it?Talk about this ›
If it stays as it is
Five more years of the third read #
Picture one ordinary Friday on a day when “my colleagues should be straightforward” is loud. What is in it: a polite email, a second paragraph, a draft reply, a remark in the corridor that could mean two things? It is only a picture to look at.
Perhaps the email is read, answered in two lines, the kettle is put on, and a colleague stops by with an easy question about the weekend.
Nothing here needs an answer, and the picture can be set aside whenever you like. What, if anything, do you notice about it?
What else is in that day?Talk about this ›
Another way to see it
Another way to see it
Directness comes in many dialects #
Workplaces and people differ in how they put things. Some speak bluntly and mean little by it, others soften, and the same sentence can be read as warm in one team and cool in another.
Seeing the different dialects doesn't make an unclear message easier to read, and it doesn't prove that it was clear. It only widens how a sentence might be heard, and leaves room for asking in plain words what a line meant.
If one message this week had to say exactly what it meant, which one would it be, and what would it say?Talk about this ›
What is already there
The plain words already around you #
Next to the messages that needed decoding, there may be some that did not: a colleague who says “I'm stuck, can you help?”, a one-line reply that closes a question, a manager who says what is needed and by when.
Noticing one of those leaves the wish for more plain talk exactly where it was. The two can share a week without either one being argued away.
Take your time with this one.
Who at work already speaks plainly with you, and what would you like to keep from it?Talk about this ›
Making peace
Reading the message once #
Peace with this hope doesn't mean the unclear message was fine, or that wanting plain words was too much. It means the second layer stops running your afternoon, and a message can be read once, taken at what it states, and left there.
Something different begins when a boss, client or colleague threatens, harasses or humiliates you, or singles you out for who you are (gender, caste, religion, colour, age, a disability or where you come from).
The same goes for unpaid work demanded, pay or papers held back, unsafe work, or feeling frightened. That is worth taking seriously, and going along or staying careful can be the safe choice.
Basic respect and safety at work are never “expecting too much”, for you and for them.
Picture an inbox with this hope held more loosely: what is the first message you would open, and what would you do with the minutes saved?Talk about this ›
A truer sentence
A truer line for the long email #
Beside “My colleagues should be straightforward with me”, some people keep a line like this ready: “I hoped for plain words, and I can answer what is written.” It doesn't need to beat the old line, only stand next to it.
A line like that can feel borrowed at first and grow familiar with use. Others find a plainer wording of their own fits better, and that is fine too.
What would a truer sentence be in your own words, honest about the wish for plainness without making the day depend on it?Talk about this ›
What to let be
A second layer can stay unread #
Not every ambiguous line needs unpicking by Friday. It can be noticed, felt for a moment, and left like a letter with an unclear postmark, set on the shelf and not opened again.
The wish for plain talk can stay private for as long as you like. Threats, harassment, humiliation, being singled out for who you are, unpaid work, pay or papers held back, unsafe work or feeling frightened are something else, and worth taking seriously; staying careful can be the safe choice.
Leaving it for the evening doesn't mean the line was clear, or that it is settled. It only means tonight doesn't need a ruling.
If it loosened
And if the grip eased, a notch #
Imagine, only as a picture, the hope a notch quieter. The wish for plain words is still there, but the email is read once and answered for what it says, and the rest stays out of the reply. What is the first thing that feels different?
Small things can be enough, such as a reply sent without a redraft, a lunch free of replaying, or an afternoon that begins when the inbox closes. What would your first small thing be?
Nothing here needs to be said to anyone. Whatever comes up is yours to notice. Next, a look at what making peace with this hope could mean, and what is already there.
Small things to try
Something to try
A few small things people try #
- Read a message once, then go to the next task
- Picture the sentence in the plainest reading, as a fair first guess
- Notice one message this week that said exactly what it meant
- Name the feeling in one word before drafting a reply
- Notice which is louder, the message itself or the story about it
Small, private and optional. Try whichever feels doable.
Pick a question
Talk it through #
Tap one. A chat with Dr. Thoughts opens on that question: free, private, no sign-up to start.
- Which message at work said exactly what it meant, and how did it feel?
- Who talks plainly with you, and what do you like about it?
- Who first taught you what kind, clear speech sounds like?
- If the wish for plain speech eased a little, what would you notice first?
- What plain words already come your way at work, which you would like to notice more?