Underneath
What's going on underneath #
Three things that tend to sit under the words.
Remarks about looks tend to be remembered almost word for word, sometimes for many years, along with the place and the voice.
For some people, a comment heard today lands on top of older ones, from a relative, from a classroom, from being set side by side with a sibling or a cousin when they were small.
Some people hear a line like this settle in: “Looks decide whether people want me around,” or “Other people have it figured out and I'm the one left out.”
Reactions
What people often do #
- Go very still, and replay it for days afterwards
- Snap back in the moment, then feel worse on the way home
- Change the subject, and hope it doesn't come back round
- Make the joke about yourself first, so nobody else can
- Laugh it off in the room, and carry it home alone
The deck
The story in 6 cards #
Six short cards, from the moment to letting go.
A cruel laugh at the reunion
A school reunion in Johannesburg. Someone you haven't seen in years laughs and says, “You're so ugly, you haven't changed!” A few people laugh too. You smile and walk away, but in the bathroom you stare at the mirror, and that old feeling from school comes rushing back, as if no time had passed at all.It is a small moment, but it stays with you.
Their view of your looks decides
First, plainly: calling someone ugly isn't okay, and it isn't a fact about you. But a rule can grow out of it, and it becomes yours: 'Other people's view of my looks decides my worth.' On the surface, it seems like plain common sense. It sounds realistic. But look at what it does: one cruel word gets to decide how you feel about yourself for years.
Why cruel words about looks last
We hold a rule like that because cruel words about how we look can stay with us a long time. Most people carry some version of it. Maybe you heard them at school. Maybe they came from people you trusted. Either way, being hurt by them isn't weakness. It comes from wanting to be accepted. That deserves kindness, not blame.
The old feeling coming back
Each remark like that brings the old feeling back. Bit by bit, it all adds up. It happens slowly, so it can be hard to notice. You avoid mirrors and photos. You expect people to judge you. You hold back at gatherings. The word starts to feel more real than anything else about you, and you carry it into rooms where nobody even said it.
Is their word worth that much?
Ask yourself honestly: has holding this rule ever made you feel better about yourself? Or has it mostly kept the cruel word loud? A cruel word belongs to the person who said it, not to you. There is no wrong answer here. Take a moment with it, if you like. Is holding this rule so tightly worth what it costs you?
A cruel word was theirs
Letting go doesn't mean the word was okay. It wasn't. It means it no longer gets to decide your worth. You can walk back into the room as yourself. It can start small, one moment at a time. Nothing else has to change first. That's where some peace comes back: the old word gets quieter, and your own view of yourself gets space to grow.
Being mocked about how you look again and again, threatened, hurt or frightened is not okay and is worth taking seriously; staying careful can be the safe choice.
The flip
The old rule, and a new one to try #
The old ruleOthers' view of my looks decides my worth.
A new rule to tryA cruel word was theirs. It doesn't decide me.
For next time
Try it next time #
- Step 1
Name to yourself one thing about you that you value
- Step 2
Notice one person who is kind about you
- Step 3
When the word replays, take a slow breath
Want to talk it through?
“What was happening just before the words were said?”
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Everything this deck knows
Go deeper #
What it sounds like, where it comes from, what it costs, and other ways to see it. Every question opens a chat on it.
How it lands
What was said
A sentence about a face, said out loud #
A sibling in the middle of an argument, a group of classmates by the school gate, a friend who calls it a joke, a stranger under a photo online. “You're so ugly,” or something quieter along the same lines, and then the moment is over for everybody but one.
It is one of the sharpest things one person can say to another, because it skips anything that was done and lands on a face, something a person brings into every room. The words take a few seconds; some people carry them for years.
Where did you last hear it, or something close to it?Talk about this ›
Who said it, who heard it, and which part of the moment still comes back most clearly when you think of it?Talk about this ›
The first few seconds
Why it hits before any thinking #
Some people describe a face burning, a stomach dropping, a sudden wish to be anywhere else. Some freeze; others snap back or laugh too quickly. Some go very still and say nothing at all. Any of these can happen, and none of them needs explaining.
A remark about how someone looks, said where others can hear, tends to register in the body within a second, well before any thinking. The thinking can come hours later, late at night, going back over the words, the place and every face that was there.
What did your body do in the second after the words?Talk about this ›
Did it freeze, burn, or want to run?Talk about this ›
What might that first reaction say about how much that moment, or that person, mattered to you?Talk about this ›
Why it lands
It skips what happened and lands on a face #
“That was a mean thing to do” is about something done. A comment about a face skips anything done and goes straight to the person, which is part of why it can feel so final, even though the sentence can be one person's sentence, said in one moment.
Remarks about looks tend to be remembered almost word for word, sometimes for many years, along with the place and the voice. Some people notice that one sentence like this can stay louder than a hundred ordinary conversations where looks never came up at all.
When the comment comes back, what comes with it: the words, the place, the voice, the laugh?Talk about this ›
And which of those feels the heaviest when you hold it up and look at it?Talk about this ›
The voice inside
When the comment starts speaking for itself #
Hear it often enough and it can move in. It can come back as the sentence itself, replayed at odd moments, or as a nudge to keep out of sight, sometimes before anybody has said a word, just from a new person walking in.
The words were about one thing, and the person hearing them is more than that. Yet once the sentence runs inside, it can arrive on its own, and because it sounds like your own voice, it can feel like simply being realistic rather than someone else's sentence.
Whose voice does it use when it speaks?Talk about this ›
Is it yours, or one you picked up from a particular person, in a particular place, a long time before today?Talk about this ›
Where it comes from
Where it can come from
For some people, it echoes older comments #
“Your sister got the looks.” For some people, a comment heard today lands on top of older ones, from a relative, from a classroom, from being set side by side with a sibling or a cousin when they were small.
The reasons behind comments like these differ from place to place, and they are rarely explained to the child hearing them. What can stay is what a child quietly concludes: that faces get ranked, and that theirs has already been given a place.
When did you first notice your looks being talked about in front of you?Talk about this ›
Who was usually there, and what did you learn to do, or not do, when the talk turned that way?Talk about this ›
The belief under it
A quiet rule a comment can leave #
Some people hear a line like this settle in: “Looks decide whether people want me around,” or “Other people have it figured out and I'm the one left out.”
Rules like this rarely feel like rules. They feel like simply seeing how the world works, the way the ground feels like ground. That is exactly what makes them worth taking out and looking at now and then, slowly, in daylight.
Some people trace a rule like this back to early years; some don't. Either way, it can be looked at, as a rule a comment left behind rather than a fact. Which rooms does it still fit, and which not?
Does one like this fit, or not quite, or not at all?Talk about this ›
What it costs
What it costs
What carrying the sentence can cost #
It can touch outings, photos and plans, the ordinary parts of a week that involve being looked at. Some people start planning around being looked at, and a few invitations get a no long before anybody has decided they don't want to go.
There is a quieter price too. When part of the attention is always on how you might be seen, less is left for the conversation, the game, the plan. For some people, over a year, that can add up to a few chances to be known that went by more quietly than they might have.
Not out of weakness. Watching yourself through someone else's eyes takes real effort.
What has it cost in the last year, if anything: an outing, a photo, a plan, a conversation?Talk about this ›
If it stays as it is
One ordinary Tuesday, with the line loud #
Picture one ordinary Tuesday on a day when “looks decide whether people want me around” is loud. What is in it: the calls, the messages, the things quietly passed on? It's only a picture to look at, nothing to fix.
Perhaps some calls, some messages, a plan or two, a new colleague, an afternoon with people in it. Some of it may be familiar, some not at all, and there is no right or wrong way for the picture to look.
Nothing here needs an answer yet, and the picture can be put down whenever you like. What, if anything, do you notice when you look at it?
Another way to see it
Another way to see it
One opinion about one face, in one moment #
Whatever the exact words were, they were one person's opinion about one part of another person, said in one moment.
Some people notice that the words were about one thing, and the person hearing them is more than that. Everything they did, said, made or cared about that day was there too; the comment picked one thing.
Put like that, how much of a whole life, with its friends, work, humour and plans, can one opinion really cover?Talk about this ›
Another way in: if a close friend had heard those same words from that same person, what would you want to say to them afterwards?Talk about this ›
Where would you start?Talk about this ›
Noticing it sooner
What shows up when people look closer #
When some people replay the moment slowly, they notice small details: who laughed, who looked away, who said nothing, who changed the subject. Sometimes the room was less behind the words than it felt at the time, and sometimes it wasn't, and that is worth knowing too.
Others notice the people and places where looks simply never come up: a friend who wants to hear about the week, a teammate who asks for the idea, a younger cousin who only wants a game. Those voices were there all along, only quieter.
Which of those people comes to mind first?Talk about this ›
What do they tend to talk about when you are with them, if it isn't the thing that was said?Talk about this ›
Making peace with it
No need to win the argument about it #
Making peace doesn't mean agreeing with the comment, however it landed. It means one person's sentence gets less say over which photos get taken, which invitations get a yes, and how the rest of the week goes.
Some people find it lighter once they stop trying to argue the comment down in their head. That argument rarely ends, and it keeps the speaker at the centre of every room.
What would it be like to let the words stay theirs, one opinion said in one moment, rather than something that has to be carried into every new room and every new photo?Talk about this ›
A truer sentence
A truer sentence to keep nearby #
If the comment has been running for years, there's no need to fight it head on. Some people keep a line like this ready instead: “That was one person's sentence, said in one moment, not a summary of me.”
It doesn't have to feel true. It is only a line some people try on, and some find that, said now and then, it takes up a little of the space the old sentence used to fill, especially before walking into a new room.
What would a truer sentence be in your own words, one that is accurate about what was said and who said it, without needing anybody else to agree with it?Talk about this ›
What to let be
Some of it can simply be put down #
Not every hurtful sentence about a face needs an answer, a comeback or a plan. Some of it can be noticed, felt for a moment, and put down, like a heavy bag set on the floor at the end of a long day.
That isn't giving up. It's choosing where your energy goes, and some people say it leaves more room for things they care about, and for people who are easy to be around and don't make looks the subject.
Putting the comment down for the evening doesn't mean it was fine, or that it's settled. It only means it doesn't have to travel into everything else today, into the next call or the next conversation.
If it loosened
And if the rule loosened, even a notch #
Imagine, only as a picture, the rule a notch quieter. A new room can simply be a room with people in it, and a photo just a record of a day. What is the first thing that feels different, even slightly?
Small things can be enough, such as a conversation where the attention stays on the other person, a new room that is only a room, or saying yes to an afternoon with people who are easy company. What would your first small thing be?
Nothing here needs to be said to anyone. Whatever comes up is yours, and worth noticing, however small it seems. If you'd like to look at it properly, a chat is one tap away.
Small things to try
Something to try
A few small things people try #
- Name it in your head: “that's that old sentence again”
- Notice which part of the moment is louder: the words, or the tone
- Ask yourself quietly: whose opinion is this, and where was it said?
- Think of one person you know who talks with you, not about how you look
- Notice one small thing you wanted today, however small
Small, private and all optional. Try whichever feels doable.
Pick a question
Talk it through #
Tap one. A chat with Dr. Thoughts opens on that question: free, private, no sign-up to start.