Underneath
What's going on underneath #
Three things that tend to sit under the words.
Looking up to someone also offers a picture of what a career might become.
For some people it comes from a first boss who was calm in a crisis, or a teacher who was both firm and fair.
Underneath, a rule can sit: “A boss should be better than me at the job,” or “If I can't respect them, the work loses meaning.”
Reactions
What people often do #
- Compare your manager with others you have seen
- Hold back effort and keep a quiet reserve
- Look for admirable people elsewhere in the company
- Run the meeting in your head, better
- Smile in the room, then talk it through with a friend later
The deck
The story in 6 cards #
Six short cards, from the moment to letting go.
The manager who cut corners
You joined the firm in Abu Dhabi partly because of the manager, the sharp, calm one from the interview. Six months in, you see them cut corners in a meeting, blame a supplier for their own slip, and leave early on deadline day. You still do your job well. But driving home, you feel oddly flat, as if something you were quietly counting on has gone missing.
A boss you can look up to
Underneath sits a rule: 'My boss should be someone I can look up to.' It sounds like a fair hope. A good leader makes work easier. But look at what it does: it ties your own pride in your work to someone else's example. When they slip, your motivation slips with them, and your work starts to feel only as good as the person above you.
Why we learn from people we admire
We hold it because we learn by watching people we admire. Maybe a teacher or an older cousin once showed you how to do things well, and you grew because of it. Maybe you never had anyone like that, and you hoped work would finally give you one. Either way, wanting a boss to admire isn't naive. It comes from wanting to grow. That deserves kindness, not blame.
The shine lost from your own work
Every disappointing moment takes a little shine off your own work. You start doing the job with half your heart. You notice every flaw in them and stop noticing what you do well. Lunch breaks fill with quiet complaints. The place you once felt proud to work starts to feel like somewhere you just turn up, and the pride you brought with you begins to fade.
Is the perfect boss worth it?
Ask yourself honestly: has needing them to be admirable ever made your own work better? Or has it mostly made you restless and disappointed? Your manager may be stretched, uneven, or good at some things and poor at others, like most people. Either way, their example isn't the measure of the work you do. Holding this rule so tightly costs you more than it gives you.
Working the way you admire
Letting go doesn't mean you stop valuing good leadership. It means your standards no longer depend on theirs. You can work the way you admire, whoever is above you. You can learn from the parts of them that are good, and leave the rest. That's where some peace comes back: your pride in your work belongs to you, not to the person you report to.
Threats, shouting, harassment, humiliation, being singled out for who you are, pay or papers held back, or being frightened at work, are something else, and worth taking seriously; staying careful can be the safe choice.
The flip
The old rule, and a new one to try #
The old ruleMy boss should be someone I can look up to.
A new rule to tryI can work the way I admire, whoever is above me.
Three small days
Try it for 3 days #
- Day 1
Think of one thing you did well today
- Day 2
Notice one small thing your manager does well
- Day 3
Think of someone you admire and copy one habit for a day
Want to talk it through?
“Who did you look up to growing up, and what did they do that stayed with you?”
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Everything this deck knows
Go deeper #
What it sounds like, where it comes from, what it costs, and other ways to see it. Every question opens a chat on it.
How it lands
What was said
The meeting you would have run differently #
Halfway through a long meeting, you catch yourself mentally rearranging the agenda, the order of speakers, the way the decision gets made. The thought arrives plainly: “My boss should be someone I can look up to.”
For some people this is a wish for a compass at work, a person whose way of doing things seems worth following. Admiration tends to make effort feel lighter, because it points the effort somewhere.
Who, in your working life or before it, was someone you really looked up to, and what did they do?Talk about this ›
The first few seconds
The flicker of a different possibility #
Some people notice a quick flicker of impatience as a decision is made in a way they would not have chosen. Others feel a quieter dip, a drop in energy, as the meeting carries on.
The body can register a gap between what we hoped for and what we see: a slow blink, a sag in the posture, a glance at the clock. The conclusions usually form later, on the drive or the walk home.
The last time you watched your manager handle something, what did you feel first, before you formed a view?Talk about this ›
Why it lands
Wanting someone worth following #
Hoping to respect the person you work for makes sense. A manager sets much of the weather of the working week, and respect tends to make direction easier to accept and effort easier to give.
Looking up to someone also offers a picture of what a career might become. Some people find that a manager they admire quietly shows them what is possible, without a word being said.
What quality would you most want to see in someone you work for: fairness, skill, steadiness, kindness?Talk about this ›
The voice inside
The voice that holds up a standard #
“I'd have handled that differently.” “Is this really how it's done?” “Someone I respected would have said it straight.” The voice tends to speak in the minutes after a decision is announced.
Some people notice the voice carries a longing for what might have been. It is partly a critic and partly a hope, holding both a measuring stick and a longing.
When the voice holds up a standard, which line comes up most, and what is it hoping to see?Talk about this ›
Where it comes from
Where it can come from
Where the picture of a good leader comes from #
For some people it comes from a first boss who was calm in a crisis, or a teacher who was both firm and fair. One person like that can set the measure for everyone who comes after.
For others it comes from home, a parent who led a household or a business with a steadiness that was easy to admire. Where some people grew up, a good leader was the person who went first and carried the load.
Whose way of leading did you most admire when you were younger, and what did they actually do?Talk about this ›
The belief under it
The rule that leaders earn admiration #
Underneath, a rule can sit: “A boss should be better than me at the job,” or “If I can't respect them, the work loses meaning.” The first sentence sounds like plain sense; the rule underneath attaches the worth of the work to one person.
Rules like this come from caring about doing meaningful work, which is worth respecting. They can be looked at beside the people who actually manage, who each have strengths in some places and gaps in others.
It might trace back to earlier years, or may have grown along the way.
Where does “my boss should be admirable” still hold, and where does it ask a single person to carry the whole meaning of the job?Talk about this ›
What it costs
What it costs
What a missing example can cost #
It can mean a flat feeling in the middle of the week, a drift in the effort given, and a habit of silently grading each meeting against an ideal that nobody could meet every time.
Over a year, some people notice that the work starts to feel aimless. Without someone to follow, the direction has to come from within, and a tired mind finds that harder.
Thinking of the last year, which moment at work did you feel proud of what you were part of, and why?Talk about this ›
If it stays as it is
Years of running it in your head #
Look at one ordinary Monday on which “my boss should be someone I look up to” is loud. What is in it: the meeting, the agenda, the order of speakers, the quiet re-run in your mind? A scene to look at, with nothing to fix.
Perhaps a decision announced, a nod of your own, a note jotted on the margin of the agenda, and the other people in the room already reaching for their water.
Nothing is being asked, and the picture can be set aside whenever you like. What, if anything, do you notice about it?
What else is in that meeting?Talk about this ›
Another way to see it
Another way to see it
Admiration can come from more than one place #
Someone worth looking up to can be a colleague a step ahead, a person in another team, a client, an old teacher, or a writer whose work you follow. A boss is one possible source among several.
Admiration also tends to be partial. People often admire one quality in a person while staying neutral about the rest, and a manager can offer one thing worth learning without being a model for everything.
If you could pick one quality to learn from your manager, even a small one, what would it be?Talk about this ›
What is already there
What is worth learning from here #
Alongside the example you hoped for, there may be small things worth admiring: a manager's calm on one hard afternoon, a colleague's honesty, a habit of someone on the team that you would like to borrow.
Naming these does not cancel the wish for someone to look up to. Both can be true together, and the noticing asks nothing of anybody.
Who around you, at work or beyond it, does one thing you would like to copy, and what is it?Talk about this ›
Making peace
Being your own example #
Peace with this hope can mean the work stops depending on one person to feel meaningful. What is fair can stay: wanting an example, wanting to respect the people you work for. What can ease is the grip, so a manager's flaws are noted as flaws, and not as the end of the picture.
It is a different matter if anyone at work, boss, client or colleague, harasses or threatens you, humiliates you, or picks you out because of your gender, caste, religion, colour, age, a disability or where you come from.
So is having your pay or papers held back, unpaid or unsafe work, or being frightened: something else, and worth taking seriously. Going along or staying careful can be the safe choice.
Basic respect and safety at work are never “expecting too much”, for you and for them.
Picture a day when you act as the sort of colleague you would admire: what do you do, just for yourself?Talk about this ›
A truer sentence
A truer line for the long meeting #
Beside “My boss should be someone I can look up to”, some people keep a line like this ready: “I'd love someone to look up to, and I can learn from several people.” It does not have to defeat the old line, only stand beside it.
A sentence like that can feel too tidy at first and more natural with use. Others find their own wording, and that is fine too.
What would a truer sentence be in your own words, honest about wanting an example without needing one person to provide it?Talk about this ›
What to let be
A letdown can wait outside the door #
Not every disappointment in a manager needs a verdict by the weekend. It can be noticed, felt for a moment, and left at the meeting-room door like a badge on a table.
The wish to look up to someone can stay private for as long as you like. If anyone at work threatens you, singles you out for who you are, or holds back your pay or papers, that is something else, and worth taking seriously; staying careful can be the safe choice.
Setting it down for tonight does not mean it was fine, or that it is settled. It only means the evening does not have to be a review.
If it loosened
And if the standard sat lighter #
Try seeing, only as a picture, the expectation a notch softer. The wish for someone to follow is still there, but the meeting can be an occasion to learn what you would do differently. What is the first thing that feels different?
Perhaps you sit in the meeting, and note one thing to do differently someday, a small private line in the back of your mind.
None of this needs telling; it stays with you. Whatever comes up is yours. Next: what making peace with this hope can mean, and what is already there.
What would that line say?Talk about this ›
Small things to try
Something to try
A few small things to try, if they appeal #
- Name the wish gently, and notice what it is asking for
- Notice one thing your manager does that you would keep
- Picture the leader you would be, in a sentence
- Think of a person whose way of working you admire
- Notice which of your own habits make you proud
Small, private and optional. Take whichever feels doable.
Pick a question
Talk it through #
Tap one. A chat with Dr. Thoughts opens on that question: free, private, no sign-up to start.
- Who did you look up to growing up, and what did they do that stayed with you?
- Which leader or teacher made hard work feel worthwhile?
- What do you want to be known for at work, in your own quiet way?
- If the wish for a boss to admire eased a little, what might you notice first?
- Who around you already shows a quality you would like to notice more?