Underneath
What's going on underneath #
Three things that tend to sit under the words.
Adults who grew up in the same house can carry quite different pictures of it, and each picture can feel complete to the one holding it.
For some people it comes from watching: brothers who ran a shop together, sisters on the phone every evening, cousins who all lived on one street and walked in and out of each other's kitchens.
Underneath, a rule can sit: “If I raised them right, they'll be close,” or “A family that argues has failed somewhere.”
Reactions
What people often do #
- Carry messages between them, softening each one on the way
- Plan every gathering around who can sit near whom
- Agree with one child in private, then with the other in public
- Bring up how close they were as small children, hoping it lands
- Say nothing at all, then lie awake replaying the last lunch
The deck
The story in 6 cards #
Six short cards, from the moment to letting go.
The remote, then last year's quarrel
Sunday afternoon. Your two children are arguing again, over the remote, then over who said what, then over something from last year. You step in, calm things down, and ten minutes later it starts again. You go to the kitchen, lean against the counter and close your eyes. All you want is for them to be friends, and it feels so far away.
Your children should get along
Underneath sits a rule: 'My children should get along with each other.' It sounds like the dream of every parent. But look at what it does: it ties your peace at home to two people's moods and personalities. Whether your weekend feels calm now depends on siblings who may simply be very different, and who are still learning how to share a space.
Why we want a close, warm family
We hold it because we want our family close and warm. Maybe you grew up with siblings you were close to, and want that for your children. Maybe you weren't close to yours, and hoped it would be different for them. Either way, wanting them to get along isn't too much. It comes from love. That deserves kindness, not blame.
The energy every quarrel takes
Every quarrel takes a little of your energy. You start stepping in before things even begin. You feel like a referee in your own home. You worry about what their arguments mean for the years ahead. Slowly home starts to feel tense, and you lose the small, warm moments with each child because you keep watching for the next fight.
Is constant peace worth chasing?
Ask yourself honestly: has needing them to get along ever made the quarrels stop? Or has it mostly made you more tired? Siblings often argue as part of growing up, and many become close later in life. Either way, today's quarrel isn't the measure of their bond or your parenting. Holding this rule so tightly costs you more than it gives you.
Bonds that grow slowly
Letting go doesn't mean you stop hoping they'll be close. It means your peace no longer depends on every afternoon going smoothly. You can step back from small quarrels, enjoy time with each child on their own, and trust that bonds between siblings grow slowly. That's where some peace comes back: home can feel like home again, arguments and all.
If one of your children is ever frightened of, or hurt by, another, that isn't a quarrel to step back from; it is worth taking seriously.
The flip
The old rule, and a new one to try #
The old ruleMy children should get along with each other.
A new rule to tryQuarrels are part of growing up. Bonds grow slowly.
Three small days
Try it for 3 days #
- Day 1
Take one slow breath before stepping into a small quarrel
- Day 2
Spend ten minutes with each child on their own
- Day 3
Notice one kind moment between them this week
Want to talk it through?
“Which family lunch do you still replay, and what was the moment it turned?”
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Everything this deck knows
Go deeper #
What it sounds like, where it comes from, what it costs, and other ways to see it. Every question opens a chat on it.
How it lands
What was said
A wish laid at every family table #
“My children should get along with each other.” It surfaces at small moments: two places set far apart at a birthday lunch, a sharp line read in the siblings' group late at night, a car park after one of them left the gathering early.
There's nothing stern in it. It sounds like the simplest wish a parent can have: that the people raised side by side stay on each other's side, and that the family table still seats everyone long after the school years are over.
When did this thought about your children and each other last cross your mind, and which of them were you thinking about?Talk about this ›
The first few seconds
Bracing before a word is said #
Some parents notice it as a tightening when two names appear in the same message, or a jolt when one child says “if he's coming, I'm not”. The body can brace before anything has been said at the table at all.
Others notice a rush to smooth things over: a joke made too quickly, a plate passed at just the right moment, a change of subject before the old argument can find its feet. The smoothing often starts before any thought about whether it's needed.
The last time two of your children clashed in front of you, what did you feel first, before you moved to fix it?Talk about this ›
Why it lands
Close to the heart of having a family #
This expectation tends to feel reasonable because it sits so close to the heart of having a family at all. Years of shared bedrooms, school runs and holidays can make it feel natural that the closeness simply carries on.
Adults who grew up in the same house can carry quite different pictures of it, and each picture can feel complete to the one holding it. What looks to a parent like one shared childhood can look like two or three different ones from inside.
If your children getting along had to be pictured on one ordinary afternoon, what would they be doing together, and where would they be?Talk about this ›
The voice inside
The voice that tries to hold it all #
“Why can't they just let it go?” “If I don't keep them together, who will?” “What did I miss when they were small?” The voice tends to speak after a gathering ends early, or while reading the siblings' chat for its tone more than its words.
A “should” can feel heavier when other voices ride along with it: relatives asking why one of them wasn't there, a neighbour's family photo on a phone, your own parent's old words about family. Some parents find their own wish is hard to hear underneath.
When that voice speaks up after a family lunch, whose words does it borrow, and what does it most want to keep?Talk about this ›
Where it comes from
Where it can come from
Where the picture of close siblings starts #
For some people it comes from watching: brothers who ran a shop together, sisters on the phone every evening, cousins who all lived on one street and walked in and out of each other's kitchens. In some families siblings sticking together was simply how things were.
For others it comes from the opposite: a quarrel between their own parent and an uncle that lasted years, and a quiet promise to raise children who would never drift that way. Some people trace a picture like this back to early years; some don't.
Which pair of siblings from your own growing up shaped your picture of how brothers and sisters should be, and what did you see them do?Talk about this ›
The belief under it
The rule that reads every quarrel #
Underneath, a rule can sit: “If I raised them right, they'll be close,” or “A family that argues has failed somewhere.” The first sentence is the one people hear; the rule underneath decides how every quarrel between them gets read, and who gets blamed.
Seen from inside, it isn't a rule at all, just love for the whole family at once. That's exactly what makes it worth looking at, beside your children as the adults they are today, with their own homes, tempers and histories.
Some people trace a rule like this back to early years; some don't. Either way, it can be looked at.
Where in family life today does the rule about your children getting along still fit, and where not?Talk about this ›
What it costs
What it costs
What being in the middle can cost #
It can mean evenings spent on the phone with one child, then the other, carrying the same story in two shapes. Lunches planned like seating charts. A good visit from one of them clouded by worry about what the other will say about it.
Over time, something else can wear thin. Giving way can feel different depending on why: to bring something good, or to avoid trouble. Some parents find years of being the go-between leave little room for their own plain, separate bond with each child.
Over the last year, which family occasion did you spend mostly managing instead of enjoying, and what did you miss in it?Talk about this ›
If it stays as it is
Five more years in the middle #
Picture one ordinary Tuesday on a day when “my children should get along” is loud. What is in it: the calls, the messages passed on, the plans for the weekend lunch, the things left unsaid? It's only a picture to look at, nothing to fix.
Perhaps a morning spent passing messages between two of them before the family lunch, a seating plan redrawn twice, a call to one child kept short in case the other hears of it, an evening walk skipped to answer the group chat.
Nothing here is a forecast, and the picture can be put away whenever you like. What, if anything, do you notice when you look at that day?
What fills that day, and what waits?Talk about this ›
Another way to see it
Another way to see it
Getting along in which shape? #
Getting along can take more than one shape. Some siblings speak twice a year and turn up when it counts; some message daily and quarrel weekly. Two adults can be fond of each other at a distance, or polite and no more, and both are still family.
An expectation tends to work best when it fits what can actually be done. A parent can set a table, keep a door open, and hope out loud. What two grown people make of each other is, in the end, theirs to work out.
Of everything in the words “get along”, which part do you hope for most: peace at the table, help in hard times, or warmth between them?Talk about this ›
What is already there
What each of them already brings #
Now and then, some parents like to look at what each child already brings to the family, however small or uneven: one who remembers every birthday, one who fixes the router, a shared laugh at the table before the old topic came up.
Nothing here is owed, and noticing it leaves the hope as it is; wanting more and seeing what is there can share one table. Small unasked kindnesses, between them or towards you, may be the ones most worth seeing.
Some days nothing comes to mind, and that's fine too.
What does each of your children already bring to the family, on an ordinary week, that you would like to notice more?Talk about this ›
Making peace
Making peace, and keeping what is fair #
Making peace with this expectation doesn't mean deciding it was too much, or that it was right. It means the distance between your children stops running every family plan, every phone call and every evening after a gathering.
What is fair in it can stay: hoping they look out for each other, keeping the door open to both. What can ease is the job of holding them together single-handed, so a lunch can be set and they can find their own words at the table.
Basic respect and safety are never “expecting too much”, between your children or towards you. If one of your children is ever frightened of, or hurt by, another, that isn't a quarrel to step back from; it is worth taking seriously.
And where someone in the family really does react badly, staying out of a quarrel between adults is allowed.
Picture a family lunch at peace with this hope: what would you be enjoying, and who would you be talking to?Talk about this ›
A truer sentence
A truer line for the family table #
Instead of arguing with “My children should get along with each other”, some people keep a line like this ready: “I hope they find their way to each other, and I can love each of them meanwhile.” It doesn't need to win, only stand beside the old one.
It can sound thin the first few times. Some people find a sentence of their own grows a little steadier with use; others find it never quite settles, and that's fine too.
What would a truer sentence be in your own words, one that keeps the hope and puts down the job of holding them together alone?Talk about this ›
What to let be
Some quarrels aren't yours to carry tonight #
Not every quarrel between your grown children needs settling by you, or by the next lunch. Some of it can be noticed, felt, and set down for a while, like a spare chair pushed back against the wall after the guests leave, in Pune or in Melbourne.
Where someone in the family really does react badly, that is worth taking seriously, and staying out of a quarrel between adults is allowed. If one of your children is ever frightened of, or hurt by, another, that isn't a quarrel to step back from; it is worth taking seriously.
Putting it down for the evening doesn't mean it was fine, or that it's settled. It only means their quarrel doesn't have to keep you up tonight.
If it loosened
And if the job eased, even a notch #
Imagine, only as a picture, the expectation a notch quieter. The hope for them is still there, but a quarrel between two adults is theirs, not a verdict on how they were raised. What is the first thing that feels different, even slightly?
Small things can be enough, such as setting the lunch and letting them find their own words at the table, a call with one child that stays about that child, or an evening not spent on the group chat. What would your first small thing be?
Nothing here needs to be said to anyone. Whatever comes up is yours to notice. Next, a look at what making peace with this hope could mean, and what is already there.
Small things to try
Something to try
A few small things people try #
- Notice when you start planning who sits where, and what set it off
- Before passing on a message, notice whose words are being carried
- Notice one small thing you wanted today, however small
- Ask yourself quietly: which part of this is mine to hold, and which is theirs?
- Picture your own bond with each child, with the other one out of the frame
Small, private and all optional. Try whichever feels doable.
Pick a question
Talk it through #
Tap one. A chat with Dr. Thoughts opens on that question: free, private, no sign-up to start.
- Which family lunch do you still replay, and what was the moment it turned?
- When did you first find yourself carrying words between two of your children, and what were they?
- What did your children share as small kids that you most hope they still have?
- If the job of keeping your children close eased a little, what would you notice first?
- What does each of your children already bring to family days that you'd like to enjoy more?