Underneath
What's going on underneath #
Three things that tend to sit under the words.
It can hurt because teachers hold real power over how a course feels, and sometimes over marks and references.
For some people the roots are in home, where a brother, sister or cousin seemed to get more praise.
Underneath, a rule can sit: “A good teacher treats everyone equally,” or “If I’m not a favourite, I don’t matter here.”
Reactions
What people often do #
- Stop putting your hand up, since it never gets picked
- Try extra hard to get into the teacher’s circle
- Joke with classmates about the teacher’s pets
- Lose interest in the subject, even if you liked it
- Watch every time the favourites get something you do not
The deck
The story in 6 cards #
Six short cards, from the moment to letting go.
Three raised hands, never called
An evening language class in Doha. The teacher laughs at one student's joke, praises his answers, and calls on him again and again. You raise your hand three times. She doesn't see you, or seems not to. On the drive home you replay the class, gripping the wheel, feeling invisible and a little foolish for caring so much. It is a small moment, but it stays with you.
The teacher shouldn't have favourites
Underneath sits a rule: 'My teacher shouldn't have favourites.' It sounds completely fair. On the surface, it seems like plain common sense. Every student deserves the same attention. But look at what it does: it turns every class into a contest you didn't sign up for. You start watching the teacher instead of the lesson, counting who gets praise, and the joy of learning slips quietly away.
Why classroom fairness feels like respect
We hold it because fairness in a classroom feels like respect. Lots of people grow up with some version of this rule, and it often made good sense at the time. Maybe you were the one overlooked in school, and it still stings. Maybe you've paid and worked hard for this class. Either way, wanting equal attention isn't childish. It comes from wanting to be seen as a learner, too. That deserves kindness, not blame.
The count kept each class
Each class adds to the count. It happens slowly, so it can be hard to notice. You start noticing every smile the favourite gets. You stop raising your hand. You feel your interest in the subject slowly fading. The class you chose for yourself starts to feel like a place where you don't count, and the evening you used to enjoy begins to feel like a chore.
Is the count worth it?
Ask yourself honestly: has counting the teacher's attention ever helped you learn? Or has it mostly taken your attention away from the lesson? Teachers can drift toward the students who speak most, often without noticing. There is no wrong answer here. Either way, their attention isn't the measure of what you are learning. Is holding this rule so tightly worth it?
Your learning is yours
Letting go doesn't mean deciding favourites are fine. It means the teacher's attention no longer decides how much you get from the class. You can put your focus back on the lesson, and on your own progress. It can start small, one moment at a time. That's where some peace comes back: the class becomes yours again, a place to learn, not to be compared.
When it is mostly you, or people like you, who get left out, or anyone singles you out for who you are or frightens you, that is not a hope to loosen; it is worth taking seriously.
The flip
The old rule, and a new one to try #
The old ruleMy teacher shouldn't have favourites.
A new rule to tryMy learning is mine, whoever gets the praise.
Three small days
Try it for 3 days #
- Day 1
Notice one thing you learned in the last class
- Day 2
Keep your eyes on the lesson, not the favourite
- Day 3
Remind yourself why you chose this class
Want to talk it through?
“Which teacher made everyone feel they mattered, and how?”
Free and private. No sign-up to start. The chat opens with this question.
Everything this deck knows
Go deeper #
What it sounds like, where it comes from, what it costs, and other ways to see it. Every question opens a chat on it.
How it lands
What was said
The same three voices #
The tutor asks the seminar a question. Your hand goes up, along with a few others. The same three people get picked again, the ones who sit at the front and stay behind to chat. Your hand comes down slowly. The thought follows: “My teacher shouldn’t have favourites.”
For some people this is about a simple fairness: everyone in the room turned up and put in the time, and should get the same chance. When a few always get more, the rest can start to feel like background, there to fill the seats.
Think of a teacher, at any age, who made everyone in the room feel like they mattered.
What did they do differently?Talk about this ›
The first few seconds
The hand that comes down slowly #
Some people feel a small sting when the same name is called again. Others feel their face go warm, or a quick flash of anger they keep to themselves.
The body can react before the mind does: the hand drops, the eyes go to the notes, a look passes between classmates who noticed too. The longer thoughts usually come later, on the way home.
The last time a teacher picked the same favourite again, what did your body do in that first moment?Talk about this ›
Why it lands
Everyone in the room deserves a chance #
Wanting a teacher without favourites has good reasons behind it. A class is meant to be a place where everyone can learn and be noticed. When a few always get the attention, the chances, the warm words, the rest miss out.
It can hurt because teachers hold real power over how a course feels, and sometimes over marks and references. Being left out of their circle can make a whole subject, or a whole year, feel colder than it needs to be.
What would one ordinary class look like, if the teacher shared their attention fairly across the whole room?Talk about this ›
The voice inside
The voice that counts the picks #
“She always picks them.” “I’ll never be one of her favourites.” “Why bother?” It often speaks up when the same names are called again, or when a project or a reference is handed out.
Some people notice the voice is guarding something fair: the wish for an equal chance. It can also grow until every class feels like proof, even on days when things were more even.
When the voice counts the teacher’s picks, what is it most hoping will change, in class and for you?Talk about this ›
Where it comes from
Where it can come from
Where the eye for favourites came from #
For some people the roots are in home, where a brother, sister or cousin seemed to get more praise. Learning to spot favourites early can make it easy to see them everywhere later.
For someone else it goes back to school: a teacher who once did favour them and then moved on, or a class where being outside the circle felt cold. Both can leave a sharp sense of how unfair favourites can be.
Who in your school or study years treated everyone the same, and how did that feel to be around?Talk about this ›
The belief under it
The rule about equal chances #
Underneath, a rule can sit: “A good teacher treats everyone equally,” or “If I’m not a favourite, I don’t matter here.” The first is a fair rule. The second is a heavy leap from a few picked hands.
Teachers are people, and many lean towards students who remind them of themselves, or who talk to them more. That is a real failing, and worth wanting better. It says little about the worth of the students who were not picked.
Where does your rule about equal chances fit this class, and where does it make every session feel like a contest?Talk about this ›
What it costs
What it costs
What being outside the circle can take #
It can mean a quiet hand, a subject you stop enjoying, or a habit of thinking teachers just do not like people like you. Over a year, that habit can change how learning feels.
It can also change how you see yourself. If being picked gets to decide who is good, then all the learning you do quietly can start to feel like it does not count.
Across the past term, what did you enjoy learning in that class, whoever the teacher picked?Talk about this ›
If it stays as it is
The same three hands, year after year #
Picture this, as a way of looking, not a prediction. In a later course, a workshop or an office, the same few people are picked again while your hand stays up.
Maybe a quiet walk home, a session you stop listening to, a good answer kept to yourself.
It is only a picture, not a prediction, and it can be put away whenever you like.
What is the rest of that day like?Talk about this ›
What else is in that day?Talk about this ›
Looking at it, what stands out?Talk about this ›
Another way to see it
Another way to see it
Favourites say more about the teacher #
A teacher who always picks the same people is showing a habit, a comfort zone, not a fair picture of the class. Many people who were never picked went on to do brilliantly, in that subject or another.
That does not make favouritism fine, and wanting fairness is reasonable. It may mean being left out says more about the teacher’s habit than about what you can do.
If the teacher could see you the way your closest friend sees you, what would they notice?Talk about this ›
What is already there
What you already have in that room #
A few good things may already sit in that room with you: a classmate beside you, a subject that interests you, a moment when you got the answer right in your head, a different teacher who does notice you.
It is fine if favouritism still does not feel fair; wanting an equal chance is still a fair wish. They belong to your study days as much as the unfair parts do.
What already makes the course a little better for you, whatever the teacher does, that you would like to notice more?Talk about this ›
Making peace
Your own answer still counts #
Being at peace with it is not deciding favourites are fine. When it is mostly you, or people like you, who get left out, that is a pattern, not a hope to loosen. Being singled out for who you are (gender, caste, religion, colour, age, a disability or where you come from) is worth taking seriously.
A teacher or tutor who messages you privately in a personal way, gives you gifts, asks you to keep secrets or to meet alone, or offers marks or help in return for something, is not the kind of attention this hope is about; that is worth taking seriously, and someone you trust can hear it.
Being touched in a way that feels wrong, mocked or frightened by anyone teaching you is something else too. And if study is weighing on you so much that days feel very hard, that deserves more than this card.
Basic respect and safety in learning are never “expecting too much”, for you and for everyone in the class.
Which part of the subject would you most like to enjoy again, for its own sake?Talk about this ›
A truer sentence
A line for the classroom #
Next to “My teacher shouldn’t have favourites”, some people keep: “I want a fair chance, and my answers count whether or not I’m picked.” The first line stays fair. The second keeps your learning yours.
It may feel a bit strange at first. Some people shorten it to “Picked or not, I know it.” Others find words that fit them better.
What would your own truer sentence be, one that keeps the wish for fairness and your belief in your own answers?Talk about this ›
What to let be
The class can stay in the classroom #
Not every unfair class needs to be carried home. It can be noticed, felt, and left in the room with the chairs and the whiteboard.
The wish for fairness can stay. Private, personal messages from a teacher, gifts, secrets, pressure to meet alone, marks offered in return for something, being touched wrongly, mocked or singled out for who you are: that is a different matter, and someone you trust can hear it.
Leaving it there does not mean it was fair. It means your evening can be yours.
What would you like to do with it?Talk about this ›
If it loosened
If the picks mattered a little less #
Imagine the same class with the hope still there but looser. The same hands are picked. You notice, and you keep your own answer in your head, quietly pleased that you knew it.
For some it is enjoying the subject again, whoever the teacher picks. For someone else it is a laugh with a classmate about it afterwards.
Let it be private, like a note in your own handwriting. Then: what peace with this hope might be, and what you have already.
What feels different?Talk about this ›
What would tell you something had shifted?Talk about this ›
Small things to try
Something to try
A few small things people try #
- Notice when you knew the answer, picked or not
- Think of a teacher who was fair, and what they did
- Notice when the voice turns one class into proof
- Picture your own answer as right, because it was
- Name, silently, one thing you like about that subject
Each one stays in your head. One is enough.
Pick a question
Talk it through #
Tap one. A chat with Dr. Thoughts opens on that question: free, private, no sign-up to start.
- Which teacher made everyone feel they mattered, and how?
- What subject do you enjoy most, picked or not?
- When did you know an answer that nobody asked you for?
- If the teacher's favourites bothered you a bit less, what would you enjoy more?
- What already makes your course better, whoever the teacher picks?